Federal Government Bans Knitting in Public Buildings
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) -- Citing the rapid rise in the number of new knitters over the past 12 months, the United States Congress and Senate have both taken unprecedented measures in passing a bill banning knitting inside any public building, according to documents released Thursday.
Under the terms of the new law, knitters are required to take their knitting at least 10 yards from any public building. Although they are allowed to carry knitting inside, anybody caught engaging in the act of knitting may be subject to a $10,000 fine or 10 years imprisonment.
According to recent studies, the mere sight of a knitter actively knitting increases a person's odds of becoming a knitter by 200 percent. The dangers of second-hand knitting have long been a concern for Federal worker Irene Schlamp, who is happy to see the bill pass. "It's been a big problem in my department, where people often take four, five, or even six knitting breaks a day. Those of us who want to do our work can't because we're so distracted by the clacking of those damned needles."
But not everybody is happy about the news. "This is so unfair!" says Betty Schnoodle, a worker at a U.S. Postal Service processing plant in Louisiana. "Why should we be forced to huddle outside in the cold when we want to take a knitting break? We're not hurting anybody."
Human rights group AmKnitty International has already filed a suit claiming the new law is unconstitutional and violates the civil rights of knitters everywhere.
Yes, it's a joke folks. Could you see this really happening?