Monday, January 26, 2009

This is **NOT** a craft post, fyi.

3 months, 1 week, and 2 days. That's how long it's been since I've seen Scott. Since I've gotten a few pictures, and 2 small 30 second video clips. We talk on the phone, yes, but lately it's been a fight to just get him to say hi. And now the newest bombshell. The friend J's been staying with gave them 2 weeks to find another place to stay. She's screwing with the well-being of my kid, and I can't do a thing to stop it, to make it better. Just the thought of Scott and J not having a place to go scares the shit out of me. Last resort if his sister, up by Vandenburg AFB.

My poor little guy has been through so much crap this past year, and now this. He's got to leave his friend (her son), his pre-school, and "his" doggie. He doesn't need to uprooted again from where he was making his home. He's already had that change time and time again. Mommy is gone, Daddy and Scott move and make new friends. Now Scott has to leave those friends behind.

I can't stop worrying about what will happen. I can't sleep, I can't seem to shake this depression that's settled over me. I can't go see a therapist because of teh insurence issue, and I don't want to go check myself back into a hospital. I don't think being back in that environment would help me right now. Yes, I was in a psych ward for a few days back in May. It was boring, the food sucked, and we couldn't eat out of our rooms because of the flu going around the ward. Lemme tell you, eating all alone is not conducive to becoming mentaly healthy. It's not. Eating is a social habit. For those who don't know I'm bi-polar. I would fathom a guess at Bi-polar type 2, which is a more mild versoin. I don't go manic often, and when I do it's for short times. But I get depressed. When I do it sometimes sticks around. I'm just scared that if I go into a hospital now it'll fuck up my chances of having Scott in March. But I want to be healthy for him, and make sure I'm ok for him. I should want to do it for me, but he's more important to me than myself.

I'm supposed to go out to CA in mid March, pick him up, and fly back here with my heart and soul. For 7 weeks and change. I didn't realize that the day I'm supposed to go and being him home is 5 months to the day since I'll have last seen him, help him, kisssed him in person, rather than on the phone. My mom gets to have the joy of having her grandson here for her birthday, my great grandma gets the same honor. I get to spend Mothers day with the whole reason I'm a mom. Then I have to fly back with him, and leave him in CA. Just 51 weeks to the day after I went a little crazy, forgot him, and pretty much ended my marriage.

I don't care. I need help. I'll keep y'all updated when I can.

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