I haven't died, honest

I've just been quietly sitting here and playing with Scott is all. Yes, playing with my little lad since St. Pat's day back in March. 7 weeks and 5 days of wonderful wonderful fun time. He's visiting his other grandparents up in MN for a few weeks, since his Papa Carl is having to undergo 2 operations to fix a disc in his neck. Scott will be here for his birthday, and pretty much until further notice. J and I worked out a 50/50 custody split, but the reason Scott's here is because J still doesn't have a job, or a place to stay. He's crashing at HIS grandparents place in CA, and that's gonna have to end soon. Then he'll most likely be out here in MI too.

In the craft world, I've been spinning. LOTS. Right now it's a blend of Ashland Bay's Merino top in a beautiful green color with stripes of browns and such, all carded together (cause I'm odd like that) with about an ounce of Pomeranian fur for my great-gran's dog Teddy. I plan on knitting something out of the yarn for her.

I'm also working on samples for the Phat Fiber Box again, for the month of July. July is the non wool month, so I'm doing a blend of natural colored cottons, mohair, angora, and soy silk. All in natural colors. The longer fibers spin up so nicely, and the cotton gives it an almost wooly feel, by core-spinning around the other fibers. Those as well as samples of my Isis yarn in an organic naturally brown cotton will be there in July.

Also for Jessie at Phat Fiber I'm working on shawl kits for her to have in her shop. A custom design by me, paired with the Twilight Dawn colorway of Isis. Approx 1200 yards of yarn are there, more than enough for the shawl.

I'm knitting socks again. I never did get past the first little armor one I made for Scott. But the main hostess for the Secret Pal swaps was a sweetheart and got me an angel package for SP12 (since my partner vanished off the face of the Earth) and sent me some amazing things. 4 oz of alpaca roving in a colorway called Crocus Crochet. Blues and purples. Reminds me a lot of my Twilight Dawn colors, and I LOVE it! Also, a skein of Mmmmmmmalabrigo Sock in Botticelli Red, which is this brick/tomato red kettle dyed color. I have been petting it like made lately. And some Addi's to knit socks on (right now they have mitts on them, couldn't get gauge with them for socks) and a nifty little keyring that had a small crochet hook on it, to help pick up stitches. That's come in handy already, trust me. There's also a beautiful pattern for bamboo patterned socks, that I may convert to toe up. I have odd feet (really high arches) so I like toe up construction.

My first socks WILL be done for whenever Harry Potter 6 comes to the big screen. I'm calling them my Griffenclaw socks. They couldn't sort me into just one house at work, when book 6 came out, but instead said I should be in both Griffendor and Ravenclaw. So I will be having socks with gray toes, heels, and cuffs (Knitpicks Bare I dyed myself) and a semisolid red body from a yarn I totally forgot what it is. I remember it was $18 a skein though, does that count?

Off to rest and make more samples. I've been having a fibro flare lately, which is why I haven't posted in a while. That and adjusting to a new psych med. Which causes cluster headaches whenever they up the dosage. I foresee a new medication soon. I don't like going to the ER to get an injection to make it stop.

I can haz Cashmere??????

I'm either not crazy enough to be admitted into the hospital, or I'm too crazy. I'm not quite sure which it is, and not sure I want to know either. But i now have a therapist, and they'll refer me to a psychiatrist and hopefully all will be well soon.

Now, to the good stuff.


You can go here and see info on it. Beautiful white CASHMERE and silk yarn. *swoon* I've had my cashmere cherry popped. Yes, that's right. I've never owned any cashmere yarn before. You really don't want to know some of the things this ball has already been subjected to. I've pet it, stroked it, cuddled it, and than I molested it by sticking my finger inside. Yes, I'm a yarn pervert. Wanna make something of it?? I have no idea what to make with this, which means I'll be haunting Rav for hours tonight. Something for around my neck is as far as I've gotten.

I didn't just get yarn mind you. My secret pal also printed up some lace shawl patterns for me, and sent a row counter, and a needle sizer/gauge guide. But the yarn, oh, it's yarny goodness will comfort me in this frozen wasteland we call MI.

There's just one mystery left, who is my Secret partner?? The mind boggles.

This is **NOT** a craft post, fyi.

3 months, 1 week, and 2 days. That's how long it's been since I've seen Scott. Since I've gotten a few pictures, and 2 small 30 second video clips. We talk on the phone, yes, but lately it's been a fight to just get him to say hi. And now the newest bombshell. The friend J's been staying with gave them 2 weeks to find another place to stay. She's screwing with the well-being of my kid, and I can't do a thing to stop it, to make it better. Just the thought of Scott and J not having a place to go scares the shit out of me. Last resort if his sister, up by Vandenburg AFB.

My poor little guy has been through so much crap this past year, and now this. He's got to leave his friend (her son), his pre-school, and "his" doggie. He doesn't need to uprooted again from where he was making his home. He's already had that change time and time again. Mommy is gone, Daddy and Scott move and make new friends. Now Scott has to leave those friends behind.

I can't stop worrying about what will happen. I can't sleep, I can't seem to shake this depression that's settled over me. I can't go see a therapist because of teh insurence issue, and I don't want to go check myself back into a hospital. I don't think being back in that environment would help me right now. Yes, I was in a psych ward for a few days back in May. It was boring, the food sucked, and we couldn't eat out of our rooms because of the flu going around the ward. Lemme tell you, eating all alone is not conducive to becoming mentaly healthy. It's not. Eating is a social habit. For those who don't know I'm bi-polar. I would fathom a guess at Bi-polar type 2, which is a more mild versoin. I don't go manic often, and when I do it's for short times. But I get depressed. When I do it sometimes sticks around. I'm just scared that if I go into a hospital now it'll fuck up my chances of having Scott in March. But I want to be healthy for him, and make sure I'm ok for him. I should want to do it for me, but he's more important to me than myself.

I'm supposed to go out to CA in mid March, pick him up, and fly back here with my heart and soul. For 7 weeks and change. I didn't realize that the day I'm supposed to go and being him home is 5 months to the day since I'll have last seen him, help him, kisssed him in person, rather than on the phone. My mom gets to have the joy of having her grandson here for her birthday, my great grandma gets the same honor. I get to spend Mothers day with the whole reason I'm a mom. Then I have to fly back with him, and leave him in CA. Just 51 weeks to the day after I went a little crazy, forgot him, and pretty much ended my marriage.

I don't care. I need help. I'll keep y'all updated when I can.