Sunday, June 22, 2008

Waiting with baited breath

I've been waiting all weekend for tomorrow, when the soon to be ex will let me know if I can come back and stay in the spare room, so i can be with the wee one. I don't want to be here in MI, I didn't ask to be here (which the step-dick seems to think), and I didn't want this to happen. I've been trusting J to make decisions for me on major things, since I know crap about our life together. He's decided it's not worth trying, and that it's better to just end it. I just have all these questions going through my head, does he just want rid of me? Was it so bad before that now he'll just use the concussion and memory loss against me? He's holding the past against me, while saying he wants to start fresh. How is that fair, or even right? You can't hold the past against someone who doesn't remember it, it's like holding a past relationship against your new partner. I dunno know what's gonna happen, I just want it all over, so I can see Scott. Please dear gods, let me see him more than every few months. I don't think I could bear it otherwise. I miss him so much already, and it's only been 6 days. I found his little toy sheep last night, tucked in a bag of yarn I'd brought with me, and I started crying. All that's going through my head is it's the 2nd time in 6 months that someone's decided it was best to leave me, or so it seems. Yes, K was over years ago, but it seems so recent to me. All that pain is brought up all over again, someone I loved leaving me behind because they were bored with me, they were done, and they didn't want to try anymore. I'm starting to think my sister was right, relationships suck and aren't worth the effort or the heart ache caused by a loss. I'd rather be alone than have this feeling again. Hopefully someone will read this and try to prove to me that there's hope in loving someone, and trusting someone not to hurt you, because otherwise I don't think I'll have hope again.

What hurts the most is I trusted J to make the right decisions from the time I woke up in the hallway in the apartment and over the last month it's just caused me so much pain. But I trusted him because he said he was my husband and it would be all right, everything would be ok. What a crock that turned out to be.

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